By Brian Leahy, The Groom Says

5. Chuppas can’t support your weight, so don’t lean on them. Should you get lightheaded during the ceremony, best to lean on the bride. After all, by this point in the wedding process, she’s physically, mentally and emotionally stronger than you. Plus, your guests will probably read this moment of weakness as something symbolic, i.e. “you’ll always be there for one another,” or something.

4. Smile, dude, and not just because you’ve paid those photographers a large sum of money to capture your every move. You should flash those pearly off-whites because the crowd is feeding off of your energy. So be that guy at the karaoke bar who brings the house down with back-to-back Neil Diamond (You’ll Be a Woman Soon/Sweet Caroline). And besides, if you’re into this whole marriage thing, you’ve got a lot to smile about.

3. Don’t wait to get dressed. Right around that pivotal six month mark, you should be sketching out your look for the big day. Even if you’re going traditional (top hat, cane, ascot), know that there are always unforeseeable hoops and hurdles that you will have to jump through … like having to put your linebacker of a brother in the same suit and tie and, no, Macy’s doesn’t carry the same jacket in 52 wide. “You wear a size 15 shoe? Since when, bro?!”

2. It’s okay to say no, even to the bride. When you walk into the florist’s office, and the sample table she’s set up for you is covered in pink taffeta, topped with a bejeweled pink cloud of peonies, accented with fluorescent pink votives, it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “No, this isn’t going to work.” Just remember that the key to compromise is offering an alternative, like “perhaps some white to offset the pink” or “if you get this, I get a man cave.”

1. That being said, make sure your lady is healthy and happy at all times. Put that task at the top of your list. This process is draining, and things can get ugly (especially when the catering estimates start rolling in). And as involved as you may be, Groom, you will never be as exhausted, depleted or overheated as your bride-to-be. So feed her right, treat her right, and do what she asks without complaint. It’s good practice for the next seventy years.

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Brian Leahy is a Los Angeles-based writer and alleged groom expert. Former author of The Groom Says, his blog still lives on today as a resource and a refuge for the involved groom. Flip through the archives at thegroomsays.blogspot.com.

By Brian Leahy, Founder of The Groom Says

Grooms: I’m pleased to report that Lover.ly has done our homework for us. Lover.ly (in case you don’t know, and you should be ashamed of yourself) is a “visual inspiration engine and cloud scrapbook” built around wedding images, and its editors have observed and revealed three smoking hot wedding trends for the summer months. So thank you to the ladies at Lover.ly, cause god knows we weren’t going to get around to it, what with all the spring crochet projects we’re wrapping up.

1. Aqua & Peach – a loverly summery color combo; also a delicious brunch time cocktail

2. Burlap & Lace – a loverly summery textile combo; also a delicious and borderline pornographic parody of Bonnie & Clyde

3. Equestrian Elegance – simply put, “humans wedding horses” (see below)

That horse talk got me all haute and bothered—so I set aside the basket I’m weaving long enough to do some research and present the other five smoldering summer wedding trends that got lost in the Lover.ly clouds.

4. AstroTurf & Stubble – Inspired by high school football, this sizzling color palette is popping up on every summer bride’s Pinterest board: synthetic green blended with the ruddy-blonde hue of a one-day-old beard. Whether you’re in a meadow in Wyoming or on a rooftop in Manhattan, peach fuzz petals strewn over artificial grass aisle runners are bound to make a splash.

5. Beehive Bliss – Birdcages are out—beehives are in! You can repurpose small hollowed hives as escort cards… or suspend live, populated hives from the ceiling and release them (doves are so 2009) at the end of the reception. Nothing clears a room of drunken in-laws like a swarm of bees—and chances are they won’t be pestering you about brunch in the morning.

6. Cow Pie Perfection – Anyone can rent out a barn, or stack hay bales, or tie twigs and berries with twine; but a real outdoorsy summer wedding takes it to the next level with cow pie centerpieces, a fungicide-infused specialty cocktail, a mechanical bull, and a full-service lactating station behind the dessert bar. (“I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?”)

7. Chain Mail & Saran Wrap – Grooms everywhere are going to crap themselves when they see this traditional texture duo restored for the summer season. Nothing screams “Renaissance Fair leftovers” like this classic mesh of adhesive plastic and stab-resistant armour.

8. Canine Chic – A dog is a man’s best friend? Prove it. Perfect for domesticated, monogamous breeds and states that permit interspecies marriage (you know who you are), zoophilia is the new taboo turned trend for 2012. So stop waiting for Mrs. Right and start looking for the right Norwich Terrier. … And you may want to rethink the AstroTurf aisle runner, or you’ll be stepping into more than marriage during the recessional.

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Brian Leahy is a writer, actor and founder of The Groom Says blog — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. The Groom Says may be on a permanent hiatus, but the archives live on. Be sure to follow Brian on Twitter.

This is not the greatest blog post in the world. This is just a tribute.

The wedding blogging community was hammered with some rough news earlier this week when my good friend Brian Leahy announced that he’ll be significantly scaling things back on The Groom Says blog. While the site isn’t being completely shuttered, new TGS posts will be few and far between as Brian focuses on bigger goals (like his lifelong dream of becoming a professional bull rider). For the past few years, Brian’s original and snarky writing style has inspired and entertained both grooms and fellow industry folk alike. It’s no secret that there aren’t many groom-centric wedding resources… and this week we lost one of the best.

In lieu of an embarrassing roast, today I honor Brian by sharing some of his greatest hits. You hardcore TGS fans will notice one post that’s missing. Trust me, I tried to track it down. I searched for it in the deepest, uncharted corners of cyberspace. Sadly, I fear it has disappeared into the abyss. That being said, try these gems on for size:

Honey, Where’s My Harness, or “the Man-gerie Post”

Real Groom Issues: Proposal Pressure

Taking the Scenic Route to the Rehearsal Dinner (guest post for GroomsAdvice)

Thinking Outside the Boutonniere Box (guest post for GroomsAdvice)

e-Groom: Another Role for Men Who Can’t Design But Can Type Real Groom

Groom Points: The Scorecard (when we knew for certain that this guy was for real)

Putting the “Fest” Back in “Infestation”: How to Avoid Bed Bugs on Your Wedding Night (guest post for GroomsAdvice)

Dozens of other entries warranted consideration. Instead of posting them all here, I encourage you to head over to The Grooms Says where all posts are permanently archived.

As I write this, the Yankees are down 3-2 to the Tigers in Game 5 of the ALDS. Brian, I’ve always tried to jab you as often as possible for being a Yankee fan. Do I feel bad about it? No. Tonight, however, I’m on your side. Let’s go Yanks!

We'll miss you, Madman. Godspeed.

-ce

[disclaimer] today’s guest post from brian leahy of the groom says may leave you feeling disturbed, sick to your stomach and itchy. the editor of this blog claims no responsibility for the words you are about to read. proceed with caution.

Real bed bugs: not as fun as the board game

My wife and I returned from our recent trip to New York with a familiar itching sensation, which is infinitely better than a burning sensation but still not a good sign. The red spots on our legs confirmed that we had encountered some bed bugs at one of the two fine lodging establishments where we had bunked during our vacation.

Holy crap, I thought. What if we’d had a run-in with these nocturnal blood-suckers during our destination wedding? Or, even worse, during our honeymoon? That there is a classic mood killer. Parasites really have no place in the bedroom … though “tapeworm” does make a great safe word in the sack.

So how do you prevent this truly unfortunate scenario? Lucky for you, groom, I’ve spelled out the necessary steps below. Get on this to-do list so you can get your freak on uninterrupted.

1. Strip. The only way to detect bed bugs in your hotel room is to strip that bed. So put the “hot” back in “hotel mattress inspection” and integrate it into your foreplay routine. There’s nothing sexier than peeling back stained sheets and soiled comforters and running your fingers up and down the seams of the mattress. If you’re into the rough stuff, ask the front desk for a screwdriver and remove that headboard. Get under that mattress. Get all up in those springs. After all this pre-coital activity, I guarantee you’ll have trouble walking tomorrow.

2. Dry clean your merkin. If a merkin is imperative to your wedding night enjoyment, make sure you use protection. Keep it in a Ziploc bag prior to use. If you’re using a new hairpiece, take advantage of that complimentary hotel laundry service. Like mom always said, “Pubic lice ain’t nice.”

3. Make it a threesome. A hotel that cares about its guests will gladly hire an exterminator in the case of an infestation. [in a thick Russian accent:] “Hello. Did someone call for service? I am also plumber.” Please keep in mind that the hotel concierge and janitorial staff are not paid to watch.

4. Pull out the Vaseline. Some pretty unreliable studies have shown that Vaseline is a bed bug deterrent. Let this be your excuse to grab the petroleum jelly out of your overnight bag and administer a thick coat to anything and everything in the room. Even less respectable studies show that whipped cream is just as effective.

5. Don’t book the Motor Inn, for chrissake. If you’re looking for a high-class experience, you’re not going to get it at $69 a night. Do yourself (and your bride) a favor: upgrade your wedding night and honeymoon hotel experience to ensure that you won’t have any unwanted souvenirs in the lining of your suitcase. Spending an extra $50 a night is probably the best preventative measure you can take. That and the merkin thing. I really do think that’s worthwhile.

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Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter.

Thinking of taking in a movie this weekend? Brian from The Groom Says weighs in on why, despite its name, Bridesmaids might be just the right choice for guys. Here’s his groom-approved take:

There are a few emails floating out there in cyberspace. Your wife or fiancee or girlfriend may have received one, and if so, it’s highly likely that she forwarded it to you. It says something to the tune of it is critical that this film, made up primarily of female comedians, does well in the box office because … reason, reason, reason … etc., etc.

But those emails are needless, and Bridesmaids has nothing to worry about. The film is a riot. It’s gonna soar this weekend. It’ll go like this: woman drags reluctant man to the theater; man surprisingly enjoys movie; man gives thumbs up to other man friends.

The secret to its success? To start, there’s the slew of solid comedic performances. And then the pairing of some hilarious comediennes with an ambitious script by Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo (who makes a cameo in the film), topped with director Paul Feig (who’s directed some of the best TV in the last seven years) and producers Apatow and Mendel. It’s a powerhouse ensemble that results in two hours of girls doing and saying boyishly obscene things in girly situations.

Not good enough for you? Fine. Here’s 5 reasons why guys need not be ashamed to see Bridesmaids:

1. Jon Hamm is an A**hole. Put Don Draper in a supporting role in a raunchy rom-com? Sure thing. Cast him as the absolute swill of the earth, saying things that make him worthy of a muzzle? We couldn’t ask for anything more.

2. Very simply, Melissa McCarthy. McCarthy plays Megan, the most outspoken and unpredictable bridesmaid. Megan oozes confidence, has a ferocious sexual appetite, and shares the best idea for a bachelorette party that we’ve heard in years. The character might be the perfect blend of Marla Hooch (A League of Their Own) and beloved Hangover hero, Zach Galifianakis. Without McCarthy, the film probably wouldn’t work. Luckily, the filmmakers capitalize on her head-on humor and make Megan a consistent presence throughout the movie.

3. The dress fitting. You pray for a scene like the dress fitting. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dare give anything away. But what occurs in that dress shop could easily rival some of the best scatological moments in cinematic history. I really can’t say another word.

4. This is not a movie about wedding planning, and thank god for that. There are no scenes in which Rudolph and Wiig hunt down venues and argue over sconces. No big blow-up because the groom doesn’t show up at the tasting (hell, we hardly even get to know the guy). If anything, Bridesmaids makes a point to mock tradition and formalities and all the ostentatious things that men hate about weddings and showers. We’re genuinely impressed.

5. The parting gift. At the close of the first Hangover, Todd Phillips revealed all of the uncensored digital pics from the guys’ missing camera. In Bridesmaids, we get something else entirely, and honestly (if you’re still undecided at that point), it may just win you over.

Are there misses? Sure. We could’ve used some more Wendi McLendon-Covey (Reno 911 fans may be disappointed), whose foul-mouthed Rita gets shorted on screen time. And the humor may dip three-quarters of the way through for the sake of the storyline. But as a whole, it’s really, really funny. And we can’t wait to see what must be three hours worth of improvisation and deleted scenes.

Hey, hopefully the Thai edition of “What the Hell Happened Last Night?” will exceed our expectations and not fail to impress like many crappy sequels gone by. All I know is, based on what I saw last night, The Hangover: Part II has some mighty big high heels to fill.

Bridesmaids is in theaters everywhere today, May 13th. See the trailer at BridesmaidsMovie.com.

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Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter.