Brian from The Groom Says lays down the law on what he [and any other sane groom] won’t do.

We get a bum rap. You know, grooms. Apparently, we don’t like flowers; we don’t like colors; we don’t like to make decisions. Hard to believe, but it takes years to reverse those stereotypes, to tear down those walls. We hurt, too, ladies.

Then again, you should know that there are some things we absolutely won’t do. Yes, some stereotypes are true — that’s why they’re stereotypes. Brides, this abridged list is just a guide. Consult your groom for a complete directory.

1. Say “Fab” – No matter how “fab” something is … no matter how hard you try to drill it voodoo-style into our vocabulary … we’ll never say it. There could be a million Swarovski crystals hanging from a single centerpiece … we still won’t say it. It’s not you. It’s us.

2. Multitask At Your Level – Somewhere in our DNA we lack the chromosome that allows us to have six browser windows open while simultaneously emailing our wedding party, texting the photographer, faxing contracts, and phone conferencing with vendors. So pat us on the head and let us work at our own pace.

3. Cry Over Minor Milestones – We may tear up on the day, but don’t expect us to cry when we book the old school photo booth. We’re excited about it, too, but our lacrimal glands are limited — we need to save up our tears for the big day. We do that for you.

4. Help Plan Your Bachelorette Party - This doesn’t apply to every bride … but some do like their man’s advice when planning their last night of single womanhood. We won’t do it. It’s not that we’re uncomfortable with the idea. And we’re certainly not jealous, no matter how many police officers in tear away pants you may hire. We’re just afraid that you’ll want to reciprocate and help plan our bachelor party. And that’s just not an option.

5. Admit How Involved We Are – We know. You’re just thrilled that you are the one bride among all your bride friends who has the guy who’s involved. And, without hesitation, you’ll announce this at social gatherings, game nights, double dates, shindigs and soirees — but we won’t admit to it. We’ll laugh and deny it and quickly change the subject, especially in mixed company. So let’s keep our enthusiasm between us.

Check our more blogs on brian’s journey through the nonsensical world of wedding planning here

studies have shown that grooms who reads guest posts by brian from the groom says are 30% less likely to develop arthritis later in life… go figure.

For a while now I’ve been toying with the idea of introducing a new Groom App to the Apple community. There are more than enough Bride and iWedding  Apps out there — and the Knot has one as well — but there is no application designed for a groom, by a groom. Time to turn this around.

the icon
We have to face facts — some grooms won’t want to use this. After all, it’s a constant reminder of the inevitable and who the hell needs that? So we have to be design-savvy and use the look to lure guys in. We begin with a three icon options: one for the Intellectual Groom, one for the Nervous Groom and another for the Aloof Groom.

the theme
Similarly, we’ll have three separate theme options based on our favorite TV shows. Intellectual Groom = Frasier, Nervous Groom = Macgyver, and of course, Aloof Groom = Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

the features
Aside from the usual info (date, venues, current guest list), the Groom App will have the following special features to make groom life easier:

1. Synced Up – the calendar on the Groom App would link directly to your bride’s application … cause god knows you aren’t responsible enough to input your own appointments

2. Red Alert – with color coding based on the Homeland Security Terror Alert System, the app would come with frequent reminders of things you should be doing, voiced by your favorite TV stars (Kelsey Grammer, Richard Dean Anderson & Danny Devito)

3. Points Tracker – an electronic version of the Groom Says scorecard

4. A “How-To” Drop Down Menu – with categories like Slow Dance, Write Vows, Pin a Boutonniere Without Stabbing Myself in the Heart, Drink Less at the Wedding, Take Good Pictures, Thank People and Behave Around Future In-Laws, etc.

5. Best Man GPS – to track down your wing man at all times

6. Built-in Breathalyzer – because it’s awesome

7. Bride Translator – because “we should get these done this week” doesn’t mean that WE should get them done this week

8. The Countdown-to-Wedding Timer – made only slightly less ominous by your favorite TV show theme song

“Tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Mercy.”

Godspeed,
Madman

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read more from the groom says here

When you spend money on a credit card, you’re most likely accumulating some sort of “points” or “rewards.” Why should it be any different when you spend money on your girlfriend, fiance or wife? Let’s face it, there needs to be incentive for guys to go see the new ‘Twilight’ movie, to watch an episode of ‘Project Runway’ or to fix a leaky faucet.

Brian at The Groom Says has created a solution: Introducing The Groom Reward System

A good friend confided in me last night over wine and charcuterie:

“Madman, I’m lost. I’ve been working on accumulating some boyfriend points, but how do I get them? What can I redeem them for? Where do I store them?  What does it all mean?”

I assuaged the friend, suggested he eat his troubles — the pig ear Terrine seemed the most troubling — and told him I’d have his answers by morning. Gladly, I present those answers:

How do I get them?

Groom (and, similarly, Boyfriend) Points are not unlike American Express Rewards credits: you get them by spending money.

Yes, the best way to earn points is by buying your fiancée (or wife, or girlfriend) things that she wouldn’t typically buy herself. Flowers are the perfect example. Flowers earn you one point per day that they survive, so you want to be sure to cut the stems, extract dead petals and replace the water daily. Here are some other examples:

* Groceries – 3 points
* Movie – 5 points (double the points for romantic comedies, triple for period pieces)
* Spa treatment – 10 points
* Dinner – earns you as many points as you tip, so tip generously

Alternatively, earn single points for household chores, such as washing dishes, washing the car or washing yourself.

Yes – bathing earns you a single point. It’s good to be a man.

Now here's a guy taking his Groom Points seriously.

What can I redeem them for?

Now, unlike AMEX Rewards, you cannot use your accumulated points to purchase stereo equipment or Home Depot gift cards. And unlike AT&T, your points do not rollover. Boyfriend Points expire annually. Groom Points, monthly.

What the points can be redeemed for is lenience.

Girlfriend: “I think you should read the Twilight series, sweetie, and then we can talk about it and see the movies together…”
Boyfriend: “Ooo. I don’t know. I really want to put my spare time into repainting the bathroom.”

See. Crisis averted.

Bride: “Let’s go to that vegan bistro for brunch!”
Groom: “Are you crazy? I’m still stuffed from that salmon I caught, killed and poached for you last night.”

Groom Points aren’t currency. They’re more like notches on a choke collar. The more points you have, the looser the collar.

Where do I store them?

I keep a current tally of my points with me at all times on the back of an unwanted business card. Occasionally I’ll forget that time that I called her mother, or that hour I spent with her admiring old photos and scrapbooking memories. I earned those points. I need those points.

Word on the street is that a Groom Points App will be available before Summer 2010.

What does it all mean?

Well, what it means is that we can all live in harmony, really. What it means is that men and women CAN co-habitate. And most importantly, it means that I can still have my monthly Maxim magazine subscription and not have to apologize for it.

(p.s. perpetual laundry duty = 1 monthly subscription, pending approval)

Cheers,
Madman

——

The Groom Says is a new groom’s blog that details a year of wedding planning from the groom’s perspective. Check it out for daily posts and inspiration from Brian as he plans his October 2010 wedding.