This is not the greatest blog post in the world. This is just a tribute.

The wedding blogging community was hammered with some rough news earlier this week when my good friend Brian Leahy announced that he’ll be significantly scaling things back on The Groom Says blog. While the site isn’t being completely shuttered, new TGS posts will be few and far between as Brian focuses on bigger goals (like his lifelong dream of becoming a professional bull rider). For the past few years, Brian’s original and snarky writing style has inspired and entertained both grooms and fellow industry folk alike. It’s no secret that there aren’t many groom-centric wedding resources… and this week we lost one of the best.

In lieu of an embarrassing roast, today I honor Brian by sharing some of his greatest hits. You hardcore TGS fans will notice one post that’s missing. Trust me, I tried to track it down. I searched for it in the deepest, uncharted corners of cyberspace. Sadly, I fear it has disappeared into the abyss. That being said, try these gems on for size:

Honey, Where’s My Harness, or “the Man-gerie Post”

Real Groom Issues: Proposal Pressure

Taking the Scenic Route to the Rehearsal Dinner (guest post for GroomsAdvice)

Thinking Outside the Boutonniere Box (guest post for GroomsAdvice)

e-Groom: Another Role for Men Who Can’t Design But Can Type Real Groom

Groom Points: The Scorecard (when we knew for certain that this guy was for real)

Putting the “Fest” Back in “Infestation”: How to Avoid Bed Bugs on Your Wedding Night (guest post for GroomsAdvice)

Dozens of other entries warranted consideration. Instead of posting them all here, I encourage you to head over to The Grooms Says where all posts are permanently archived.

As I write this, the Yankees are down 3-2 to the Tigers in Game 5 of the ALDS. Brian, I’ve always tried to jab you as often as possible for being a Yankee fan. Do I feel bad about it? No. Tonight, however, I’m on your side. Let’s go Yanks!

We'll miss you, Madman. Godspeed.

-ce

[disclaimer] today’s guest post from brian leahy of the groom says may leave you feeling disturbed, sick to your stomach and itchy. the editor of this blog claims no responsibility for the words you are about to read. proceed with caution.

Real bed bugs: not as fun as the board game

My wife and I returned from our recent trip to New York with a familiar itching sensation, which is infinitely better than a burning sensation but still not a good sign. The red spots on our legs confirmed that we had encountered some bed bugs at one of the two fine lodging establishments where we had bunked during our vacation.

Holy crap, I thought. What if we’d had a run-in with these nocturnal blood-suckers during our destination wedding? Or, even worse, during our honeymoon? That there is a classic mood killer. Parasites really have no place in the bedroom … though “tapeworm” does make a great safe word in the sack.

So how do you prevent this truly unfortunate scenario? Lucky for you, groom, I’ve spelled out the necessary steps below. Get on this to-do list so you can get your freak on uninterrupted.

1. Strip. The only way to detect bed bugs in your hotel room is to strip that bed. So put the “hot” back in “hotel mattress inspection” and integrate it into your foreplay routine. There’s nothing sexier than peeling back stained sheets and soiled comforters and running your fingers up and down the seams of the mattress. If you’re into the rough stuff, ask the front desk for a screwdriver and remove that headboard. Get under that mattress. Get all up in those springs. After all this pre-coital activity, I guarantee you’ll have trouble walking tomorrow.

2. Dry clean your merkin. If a merkin is imperative to your wedding night enjoyment, make sure you use protection. Keep it in a Ziploc bag prior to use. If you’re using a new hairpiece, take advantage of that complimentary hotel laundry service. Like mom always said, “Pubic lice ain’t nice.”

3. Make it a threesome. A hotel that cares about its guests will gladly hire an exterminator in the case of an infestation. [in a thick Russian accent:] “Hello. Did someone call for service? I am also plumber.” Please keep in mind that the hotel concierge and janitorial staff are not paid to watch.

4. Pull out the Vaseline. Some pretty unreliable studies have shown that Vaseline is a bed bug deterrent. Let this be your excuse to grab the petroleum jelly out of your overnight bag and administer a thick coat to anything and everything in the room. Even less respectable studies show that whipped cream is just as effective.

5. Don’t book the Motor Inn, for chrissake. If you’re looking for a high-class experience, you’re not going to get it at $69 a night. Do yourself (and your bride) a favor: upgrade your wedding night and honeymoon hotel experience to ensure that you won’t have any unwanted souvenirs in the lining of your suitcase. Spending an extra $50 a night is probably the best preventative measure you can take. That and the merkin thing. I really do think that’s worthwhile.

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Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter.

Thinking of taking in a movie this weekend? Brian from The Groom Says weighs in on why, despite its name, Bridesmaids might be just the right choice for guys. Here’s his groom-approved take:

There are a few emails floating out there in cyberspace. Your wife or fiancee or girlfriend may have received one, and if so, it’s highly likely that she forwarded it to you. It says something to the tune of it is critical that this film, made up primarily of female comedians, does well in the box office because … reason, reason, reason … etc., etc.

But those emails are needless, and Bridesmaids has nothing to worry about. The film is a riot. It’s gonna soar this weekend. It’ll go like this: woman drags reluctant man to the theater; man surprisingly enjoys movie; man gives thumbs up to other man friends.

The secret to its success? To start, there’s the slew of solid comedic performances. And then the pairing of some hilarious comediennes with an ambitious script by Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo (who makes a cameo in the film), topped with director Paul Feig (who’s directed some of the best TV in the last seven years) and producers Apatow and Mendel. It’s a powerhouse ensemble that results in two hours of girls doing and saying boyishly obscene things in girly situations.

Not good enough for you? Fine. Here’s 5 reasons why guys need not be ashamed to see Bridesmaids:

1. Jon Hamm is an A**hole. Put Don Draper in a supporting role in a raunchy rom-com? Sure thing. Cast him as the absolute swill of the earth, saying things that make him worthy of a muzzle? We couldn’t ask for anything more.

2. Very simply, Melissa McCarthy. McCarthy plays Megan, the most outspoken and unpredictable bridesmaid. Megan oozes confidence, has a ferocious sexual appetite, and shares the best idea for a bachelorette party that we’ve heard in years. The character might be the perfect blend of Marla Hooch (A League of Their Own) and beloved Hangover hero, Zach Galifianakis. Without McCarthy, the film probably wouldn’t work. Luckily, the filmmakers capitalize on her head-on humor and make Megan a consistent presence throughout the movie.

3. The dress fitting. You pray for a scene like the dress fitting. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dare give anything away. But what occurs in that dress shop could easily rival some of the best scatological moments in cinematic history. I really can’t say another word.

4. This is not a movie about wedding planning, and thank god for that. There are no scenes in which Rudolph and Wiig hunt down venues and argue over sconces. No big blow-up because the groom doesn’t show up at the tasting (hell, we hardly even get to know the guy). If anything, Bridesmaids makes a point to mock tradition and formalities and all the ostentatious things that men hate about weddings and showers. We’re genuinely impressed.

5. The parting gift. At the close of the first Hangover, Todd Phillips revealed all of the uncensored digital pics from the guys’ missing camera. In Bridesmaids, we get something else entirely, and honestly (if you’re still undecided at that point), it may just win you over.

Are there misses? Sure. We could’ve used some more Wendi McLendon-Covey (Reno 911 fans may be disappointed), whose foul-mouthed Rita gets shorted on screen time. And the humor may dip three-quarters of the way through for the sake of the storyline. But as a whole, it’s really, really funny. And we can’t wait to see what must be three hours worth of improvisation and deleted scenes.

Hey, hopefully the Thai edition of “What the Hell Happened Last Night?” will exceed our expectations and not fail to impress like many crappy sequels gone by. All I know is, based on what I saw last night, The Hangover: Part II has some mighty big high heels to fill.

Bridesmaids is in theaters everywhere today, May 13th. See the trailer at BridesmaidsMovie.com.

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Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter.

By Brian Leahy, Founder of The Groom Says

A boutonniere can't get no respect!

Boutonnieres get no respect.

Imagine for a moment that you’re a boutonniere. From conception, you and your band of boutonniere brothers are undoubtedly one of the less crucial elements of the wedding. You might say that you’re slightly more significant than the guestbook on the wedding website … but still less important than the stationary hors d’oeuvres at the reception. Despite your potential, the only real purpose you serve is to “look nice but not as nice as the bouquet.” You’re an afterthought. Other groom attire elements have risen to varying levels of stardom (socks, ties, Converse sneakers), but sadly, you lag behind.

Last I week I stumbled upon a site called Fritts Rosenow, a company specializing in bespoke boutonnieres, and I thought — Now here’s a glimmer of hope. Fritts’ custom-made collection spans several styles and themes (nautical, vintage, bachelor pad) and even includes an impressive wall-mounted deer head. Per their “About” page, Fritts believes that grooms should express themselves through their boutonnieres.

Amen.

But can’t we go further, men? In the spirit of homemade crafts and handmade gifts, let’s invest some time and design some boutonnieres on our own. Even TheKnot.com, in a DIY Wedding Flowers how-to article, suggests that we leave the “tough stuff” to the professionals but perhaps tackle the groom’s boutonniere at home.

(Ouch.)

Well, we’ve taken that advice, Knotties, and then we took it even further. And then we took it too far. And further still. We ended up giving boutonnieres WAY too much respect and a giant, unattractive ego.

Introducing, the RESPECTFULLY EGO-CENTRIC BOUTONNIERE COLLECTION, by The Groom Says. Shipping not included.

Toiletry Groom
A darling bouquet of toothbrush, cuticle scissor and razor, complemented by a cluster of chic Q-tips and a touch of Kleenex. It is fastened with a fine, mint-flavored dental floss and accented with an elegant white ribbon crafted from Charmin toilet paper.

Executive Groom
Nothing says “I’m a big deal” like a half-used roll of Scotch tape drooping delicately from the blazer that you wore to work earlier that day. Also available in double-sided and duct.

Techno Groom
An exquisite spray of both L and R ear buds. Sleek off-white cords may dangle or tuck discreetly into a chest pocket.

Pastel Groom
An array of bright yellow Craspedia (with elegant green stems), adorned with mini gladiolus bulbs and tied with an unobtrusive lavender string. Remove with lukewarm water.

Vintage Groom
A touch of the olden days — a crisp, timeless $2 bill that lets your guests know precisely who paid for their steak or chicken. Recipient of the Strip Club Boutonniere of the Year Award.

Gimme S’more Groom
On the “fun” side — a slightly toasted marshmallow, sandwiched between two pieces of Godiva chocolate, sandwiched further between two graham crackers, and all tethered to a branch of hand-whittled mahogany. Also available in bouquet.

All photos © Joanna Wilson Photography

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Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter.

By Guest Blogger Brian Leahy, Founder of The Groom Says

I’m no Kellie Pickler hater. No, I’m not a fan of her music … but I also have nothing against the American Idol contestant turned musician or her new songwriter hubby Kyle Jacobs. I’m genuinely happy for the newlyweds.

But I learned last week that Pickler (actually, her husband) is selling their 3-minute wedding “music video” on Jacobs’ underpopulated iTunes page for the price of $1.99 … the cost of the Roman Catholic Confession app … the cost of a single issue of Jet magazine. And I can’t quite figure out the logic. The couple didn’t want to post it on Pickler’s website as a gift to her fans? Or if exposure is what she’s looking for, she could have pulled a Katy Perry and projected it onto the giant cloth behind her at an awards show that’s seen by millions of people. Instead, it appears the couple is recouping their wedding costs, $1.99 at a time.

Give me your money!

We could have bought the video to see if it was a worthwhile purchase, to give it an honest critique, to see what the 33 five-star reviewers are raving about. Instead, we chose to preview the video for free and then compile this list of 25 things we would rather do with $2 than download their wedding footage.

Here goes:

1.  Rent bowling shoes
2.  Feed a stranger’s parking meter
3.  Raid a garage sale for puzzles and used undies
4.  Tip a bathroom attendant
5.  Overpay an electric bill
6.  Order a Dutch Apple Pie and a side of onion rings off the BK Value Menu
7.  Go through the same toll twice
8.  Misplace it in the couch
9.  Get buzzed on three cans of Simpler Times
10.  Land on Mediterranean Avenue (undeveloped, of course)
11.  Make 200 wishes
12.  Add double the avocado to a foot-long Subway sandwich
13.  Donate it to public radio
14.  Return a library book eight days too late
15.  Blow it on nickel slots
16.  Copy a house key
17.  Get a bottle of Starbucks’ Ethos water
18.  Pump half a gallon of premium gasoline
19.  Send it in with 2 proofs of purchase for a pre-ripped Hulk Hogan t-shirt
20.  Dry clean our tube socks
21.  Play 8 rounds of Street Fighter
22.  Send a 2-oz letter containing a rigid object to Fiji
23.  Upgrade to a Stuffed Crust pizza
24.  Convert it to even fewer Euro
25.  Download Bieber’s wedding video

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Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter.

Let’s get this list to 50! What would you rather do with your $2? Tell us in the comments section below.