Posts Tagged ‘Running of the Brides’

Running of the Brides: A Groom’s Survival Guide

Monday, February 21st, 2011

Last Friday, some hundred thousand million or so women and approximately three men attended the NYC Running of the Brides, a 14-hour-long event hosted by Filene’s Basement.

(Warning: the videos featured on Filene’s website may contain graphic and disturbing material.)

The photographs on the event’s web page would lead you to believe that this is an urban team building activity or charity speed walk; what it really is, however, is an opportunity for brides to overrun our nation’s largest cities in search of a single high value dress at a cheap price. Brides can form teams (siblings, bridesmaids, complete strangers), design team crowns and t-shirts, devise a series of strategies and audibles, and — in essence — create their own offensive line. The website features helpful hints for brides who are planning on partaking in the bloodbath, but there isn’t the slightest bit of advice for the men who are dragged unwillingly onto the Colosseum arena floor.

So we’ve devised a groom’s ROTB guide. We sought out the sole survivor of last week’s event, read a little Darwin and put together a guide to staying alive in the most chaotic environment ever imagined. And yes, that includes that Hannah Montana concert, which we’ve all agreed was a huge mistake.

the non-bride guide to surviving the Running of the Brides

1. Know the course. The key to survival is having a reliable escape route. A week before the event, stop by the store and walk through the space a dozen or so times: memorize the layout; practice some safety drills; test the skid factor on the floor; and locate the nearest exits and bathrooms. Knowing where the john is could mean the difference between life and death.

2. Cut a hole in a box. Of course, with the swarm of brides that will be present, you can’t guarantee an accessible exit. So in the days before, find a sizable cardboard box and cut a hole in the bottom (about shoulder width in diameter); using a thick black magic marker, write the words REALLY OVERPRICED DRESSES on all four sides; upon arrival, stash that box in a convenient corner; and if things get too hairy, get in the box. You’ll be safe there until morning.

3. Don’t speak. Man casualties come about when grooms mistakenly announce a worthwhile discovery. So refrain from phrases like Hey, here’s a good one and This tag says Vera Wang.

4. Bring Luna bars. Brides can’t resist whole grain energy bars in colorful packaging. If you need to clear the perimeter, just toss some Lemon Zest in the middle of the sale floor.

5. Buddy up. Chances are you won’t be the only male in attendance. Find another groom in distress (he won’t be hard to find), choose a meeting place and decide on a safe word. Preferably not Wang.

6. Hold the dressing room. Another way to avoid injury is to stay off of the sale floor entirely. Accompany your bride to the dressing room, and then hold it for her while she continues to shop. Let other shoppers think you’re a bride by incorporating authentic sound effects: ruffling clothes, zipping zippers and occasional sighs of disappointment.

7. Beware the rogue bride. Brides and their teams tend to travel in packs. When a bride gets separated from her herd, she will often become angry and charge at any moving, unfamiliar objects (namely, grooms). Should you encounter a rouge bride, adopt a feminine posture and remain still.

8. Don’t get photographed. The last thing you want is to be the poster boy for the Running of the Grooms, or to be featured on the main page of Filene’s website with the caption, “Men love it, too!” If you see a camera, throw a Luna bar at the lens.

the groom says

Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter and Google+.

Related Posts with Thumbnails