Relationships and technology have a long, interesting history

By Steve Cooper, Hitched Media

The relationship of technology and marriage has a long history. I’m sure at some point during the Stone Age a woman was frustrated because her mate wouldn’t step away from the fire and come to bed. More recently, televisions became places of congregation for couples and families. Today, our unions are intertwined with smartphones, tablets, social networks and more. The current tech du jour is Facebook. The question we have to ask is, are these tools good for marriages or bad? The answer: potentially both.

I’m sure you’ve heard the statistic that Facebook is responsible for 20 percent of divorces in the United States. That’s false! Husband and wife team, Jason and Kelli Krafsky, co-authors of “Facebook and Your Marriage” have written a great article debunking this statistic. In short, not only is the number wrong, but the number doesn’t even represent Facebook as a causal factor in break-ups. That’s not to say that Facebook can’t become a tool that will inflict damage on your marriage.

Marlo Gottfurcht, author of “Love, Marriage…and Facebook” filled her book with stories told to her of salacious online encounters that did damage to marriages. Many start off innocently enough, but then a chat window pops up from an old flame and a few poor decisions later and the chat history is getting erased in an attempt to cover up the virtual fling.

“If you’re on Facebook and hiding what you’re doing, then that’s definitely a red flag,” says Gottfurcht.

That’s why the Krafskys (www.socialmediacouple.com) established a few personal rules to keep their marriage safe—one of them is not to use the chat feature.

Don't let your Facebook get you into trouble. Set some ground rules with your wife.

“Everybody is about two-to-three clicks away from making a bad decision on Facebook, especially when you’ve got somebody that you had a past emotional or physical bond with,” says Jason.

The other big rule the Krafskys follow is to not “friend” exes.

“We learned early on that it’s not a positive thing for our relationship,” says Jason. “And not that we were threatened by that personally; the question was, ‘How is this going to improve our marriage?’”

New technologies present a game without rules. Each couple needs to openly discuss what those rules should be, weighting the potential dangers against the benefits. The Krafskys have done this in all aspects of their life. For example, neither will ride in a car (a more established technology) alone with a person of the opposite sex.

Of course, technology persists because it generally does more good than harm. There are many apps and tools that help organize the daily routines of families. In terms of Facebook, the Krafskys use it to keep in touch when one of them is out of town. The couple has also created a private group for their family members to share pictures of their kids.

In her book, Gottfurcht tells a story of a wife who gets revved up in an online chat then takes that sexual energy to the bedroom with her husband. Depending on the couple, this exercise may be dancing a little too close to the danger zone, but for others it might provide the spark to rekindle their boring sex life.

“There’s one story in the book where a husband and wife have Facebook sex when he’s out of town,” says Gottfurcht, “so if you find you’re using it with others, maybe you need to stop and think about spicing up your own marriage and use it with your spouse.”

Without proper communication between a husband and wife, technology can create a minefield out of a playground. Think of the damage that can be done in the following situations: the backseat of a car turns into a snogging nook, a sultry picture turns a text message to a sext, and video chatting on your smartphone makes things much more intimate and personal.

Now imagine doing these things with your spouse! When you have good dialogue and clear boundaries on how your tech tools are to be used, they can be very enriching to your marriage.

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How do you and your wife/significant other handle Facebook? Do you have certain ground rules like not friending exes? Or is it a free-for-all? Tell us your story in the comments section below.

Are you and your fiancee/spouse celebrating Valentine's Day this year?

By Steve Cooper, Hitched Media

I’ll be the first to admit that not long ago, I would have been quick to declare that Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a “Hallmark” holiday. You know, “It’s just a reason for greeting card companies to push more product.” While they certainly capitalize on the holiday, I had an epiphany that brought me on board with the celebration.

Even before the light bulb went off above my head, I still celebrated Valentine’s Day and even enjoyed the holiday, although a certain piece of me felt it was contrived. Why should the calendar dictate when I show my sweetheart affection? Restaurants certainly don’t make me feel warm and fuzzy, raising their prices every year for this one night of candle-lit romance.

But don’t you see? That’s the problem. Not the prices, but that this happens just once a year. (Okay, so the prices can be excessive sometimes.) I was talking with one of our Hitched experts a few years ago and something in our conversation struck me. I don’t remember the topic of the conversation, but within our discussion it dawned on me that outside of our weddings and anniversaries, most of us don’t seek out to honor our relationships. Heck, a common complaint is that men don’t even remember anniversaries.

I actually think it’s good that we have a system in this country that commercializes love and romance. It’s nice to think of all the dollars that are spent to promote such a good cause. Can commercials and advertisements promoting love really be that damaging? Of course they’re self-serving, but as we zip past our husbands and wives throughout the days, months and years, isn’t it nice to know that there are forces out there working to remind us to slow down and take our spouses out for a night of romance?

A new survey by BIGresearch for the National Retail Federation estimates that $15.7 billion will be spent on Valentine’s Day this year. Spouses and significant others are projected to spend an average of $68.98 on gifts and dates. Research has shown that married couples who engage in new experiences with each other are likely to be happier over the long term. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you need to spend money for a new experience, but the holiday is a terrific opportunity to step out of your comfort zone and reconnect.

If you still aren’t convinced that Valentine’s Day is a good thing, I have a few final questions for you. When was the last time you went on a date with your spouse? When was the last time you dedicated one night just to romance? When was the last time you shared something with your spouse as a token of your appreciation, love and respect? If your answer is more than 30 days for any of these, you’re overdue.

Embrace this day of flowers and cupids. Put in a little extra effort to show your husband or wife that you don’t take them for granted. Let them know that you’re still hot for them and that you’re up to the challenge to woo them—even if they’re expecting it. Be nostalgic. Be creative. Be daring. Be sexy. Be romantic. Be your spouse’s valentine!

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What are you and your fiancee/spouse planning for Valentine’s Day? Are you celebrating? If not, why? Let us know in the comments section below.

The Roomba... batterized for her pleasure.

By Guest Blogger Madman of The Groom Says

As soon as you got engaged, you immediately thought to yourself, “I win!” And win you did, champ. You managed to beat out all those other guys. All of the men who secretly (or not so secretly) doted on your woman had officially missed their chance. Go you.

But in the haze of your engagement high, you completely ignored the possibility that she could still find comfort in the arms of a home appliance. Panini presses, espresso makers, the Magic Bullet — these machines that we interact with on a daily basis don’t share our principles. As far as they’re concerned, ring or no ring, the woman of the house is up for grabs. And that Roomba’s been getting a bit handsy.

Rather than hosting an impulsive yard sale, maybe take this opportunity to take some clues from the competition. What does that damn Roomba have that you don’t?

He works independently.

The Roomba needs no to-do list. She’ll be in the office, and he’ll be working the kitchen. She’ll be running an errand, and he’ll be spot cleaning that trouble area beneath the bathroom sink. You don’t have that kind of initiative. You need to be told which shoes need picking up; which clothes need laundering; and which dishes most urgently need washing. Take a clue from your low-riding adversary and start brushing your teeth before she asks you to do so.

He expresses his feelings.

You’re worse than an infant. This is one of those things women talk about in private with other women. You get in these weird moods and have these illogical reactions and she’s supposed to — what? Read your mind? Feed, rock, burp and change you until you’re satisfied? Instead, take a hint from the Roomba and adopt some troubleshooting indicators. The Roomba beeps and blinks and pulses and even speaks in a soothing, feminine voice. When’s the last time you spoke in a soothing, feminine voice?

He has replaceable parts.

You’re still wearing t-shirts from high school.

She can turn him off.

The Roomba can be powered down. He can be scheduled and docked and charged. And if she ever leaves him on for too long, he dies. It’s empowerment at its finest. You, on the other hand, do not come with an OFF switch. God knows she’s looked for it. You’re constantly going, constantly moving, constantly ON. Even in sleep mode, you’re still going … still breathing heavily, still snoring uncontrollably, still mumbling incoherently about a large dog that stole your change. So aside from testing out those Breathe Right strips that she’s been bugging you about, try to give her a few minutes of uninterrupted peace every once in a while. And find some closure with that big dog, for chrissake.

He comes with a lifetime guarantee.

The Roomba’s guarantee came with purchase in a crisp plastic sleeve. Your guarantee was scribbled on the back of a hotel cocktail napkin hours after the rehearsal dinner, almost legible despite all of the shot glass smudges. He vowed to satisfy for eternity; you vowed to not pass gas in public. His oath came with a gold seal; yours rhymed (occasionally). Just remember that a guarantee is only as good as the man that it came with … and while you may not come with a seal, you plan to listen and communicate and change and age to perfection. Yeah. Take that, stupid robot.

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Madman is the founder and editor of The Groom Says — a real groom’s blog that details a year of wedding planning from the guy’s perspective. Check it out for inspiration from Brian (aka Madman) as he recounts the planning of his October 2010 wedding. You can also follow The Groom Says on Twitter.

Do you take initiative in your relationship? What are some areas where you could improve yourself? Open up and share with us in the comments section below.

By Guest Blogger Steve Cooper of Hitched Media

Who wants to be married? Dying sounds more proactive than being married. The word married, whether used as a noun, verb or adjective sounds past tense and settled. Married comes across as boring and evokes no excitement. Dating, on the other hand, is an action word. Dating sounds like things are happening, you sense a future with endless possibilities and dreams around the corner. Married rolls off the tongue with the thud of dirt clods falling on a casket.

Think about this, when you are single and looking you are dating. When you’ve found that special someone and become exclusive to that one person the two of you are still dating. You don’t consider yourself to be dated. That only happens when you put a ring on your finger and become married.  Of course there’s a middle relationship status where you are engaged (again sounding rather stale and settled), but even in that state you and other soon-to-be wedded couples can tell others you’re marrying that special someone at a future date.

It’s clear that marriage needs a language makeover. It needs a new word to describe the maturing connection that couples can only acquire through years of life’s surprises together. Being married is not the end of dating. Being married is the beginning. Married is putting all your dreams into action. Married is creating a family, a home and career. Married is adventure and laughs.

Could Don Draper come up with a better word for 'married'? - yea probably

I’m not Don Draper so I don’t have a new special word that makes being married sound like an amusement park stuffed into a bottle. This is the hand the quirky English language has dealt us. I suppose we should be thankful that most couples refer to themselves as married rather than wedded—the latter having dead phonetically in its pronunciation.

It’s easy to simply blame the English language, but we’ve perpetuated the point that once you get married everything is over. Think about it, growing up nearly all our fairy tales tell us that once the prince and princess finally slay the dragon they get married and “The End.” That’s it. No more adventure or excitement. In the best-case scenario we were left with “Happily Ever After.” Welcome to Snoozeville. If this part of the story was so dazzling it would have been the main attraction, not the departing footnote.

Maybe the answer is in our voice. The great thing about language is that a single word spoken by multiple people can mean anything with difference in tone and delivery. Did you know that James Bond was once married? I bet if he were having a conversation about his married life, you’d want a slice. Conversely, if Lewis Black were ranting on the institution you’d probably head for the door screaming.

Let’s put it in our voice that being married is sexy, happy, adventurous and fun. Let’s all do our best Sean Connery impression when we describe our married life (even though George Lazenby was the Bond who got married). Remember, being married is the payoff for surviving the land mines of dating. Let’s start our stories with the first kiss instead of ending them there. Married may not be a perfect word, but when you bundle all the thrills you and your spouse share throughout the years, married is the best word to describe your love story.

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Do you have ideas for a new word for ‘married’? Is terminology important? Please let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.

By Steve Cooper of Hitched Media

On my parent’s refrigerator growing up there was a poem that read, “Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

I believe that. So you can imagine the frustration I feel when I hear people down-talk marriage. Sure, I understand that not every marriage is rainbows and unicorns, and I believe individuals have the right to express their dissatisfaction. My problem is the general agreement and the projection of one person’s situation onto others.

I recently had a friend get engaged and I overheard one person say to him, “Good luck with that.” Can you imagine if you announced you were going to have a baby and someone commented, “Good luck with that?” You would hear a needle scratching across a record. Too often when we’re talking about marriage, however, the reaction is a laugh and nod like it’s a relatable joke.

If you don't have anything nice to say about marriage, don't say anything at all.

Why is it so acceptable to talk trash about marriage? Why aren’t people more protective of their relationship as they are with other things? If you were with a group of married men you’d probably get a stronger response if you spoke poorly about their favorite football team than if you talked bad about their marriage. Don’t we realize that our thoughts and words will become our actions? Imagine if you’re out at lunch with friends and talking about how horrible your spouse is and their shortcomings, it’s going to be extremely difficult to arrive home and shower them with love and affection.

When I was a kid, I thought I was awesome! As in, the greatest kid on the planet. Worse, I wasn’t afraid to let others know. Often, my awesome thoughts meant I would put others down, including friends. My parents, in their wisdom, thought this might become a problem down the line and came up with a solution. Every time they heard me say something inappropriate (“Why do I have to play with him, he sucks at football”) my parents would look at me and say, “Attitude check.” This let me know that even when I wasn’t conscious of my thoughts and words, they were coming out and others were being affected.

If I received multiple “attitude checks” in a day or week, I would be grounded, which meant I wouldn’t get to play at all, including football with my friends whom I thought weren’t very good at it. It didn’t take long before I began thinking about my words before saying them. I wonder why, as adults, we seem to have lost this filter.

Being in the marriage industry I get a lot of reaction when I tell people what I do. The reactions are either really positive or jokingly negative. I understand that there are many times when jokes are appropriate and funny, but I can also recognize when those words have become someone’s actions. Research has shown repeatedly that it’s not fights or disagreements in relationships that matter, it’s the manner in which we engage—the words we use and how we use them. Even using the pronoun “we” instead of “you” when discussing problems in marriage is an indicator of less marital happiness, according to a 2006 study, “Pronouns in Marital Interaction” by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and the University of North Carolina—Chapel Hill.

So where do we go from here? We could start a cultural revolution saying, “attitude check” every time someone projects their dissatisfied marriage on the entire institution. A more subtle approach, however, would be to lead by example. Let us all be mindful of our own thoughts and words; these will soon become our actions and carry over into who we are.

How many of us say negative things simply because that’s what we hear around us and find it more comfortable? We may not know how to make positive statements about our marriage.

I was recently in a conversation with someone where they said, “That’s what happens when you get married.” (It was said with negative connotation). I replied, “That’s not how my marriage is. We’re really happy.” I try to take the opportunity to turn their negative thoughts and words into positive ones. In the kindest way possible, I let them know they need a marriage “attitude check.”