By Steve Cooper of Hitched Media

On my parent’s refrigerator growing up there was a poem that read, “Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

I believe that. So you can imagine the frustration I feel when I hear people down-talk marriage. Sure, I understand that not every marriage is rainbows and unicorns, and I believe individuals have the right to express their dissatisfaction. My problem is the general agreement and the projection of one person’s situation onto others.

I recently had a friend get engaged and I overheard one person say to him, “Good luck with that.” Can you imagine if you announced you were going to have a baby and someone commented, “Good luck with that?” You would hear a needle scratching across a record. Too often when we’re talking about marriage, however, the reaction is a laugh and nod like it’s a relatable joke.

If you don't have anything nice to say about marriage, don't say anything at all.

Why is it so acceptable to talk trash about marriage? Why aren’t people more protective of their relationship as they are with other things? If you were with a group of married men you’d probably get a stronger response if you spoke poorly about their favorite football team than if you talked bad about their marriage. Don’t we realize that our thoughts and words will become our actions? Imagine if you’re out at lunch with friends and talking about how horrible your spouse is and their shortcomings, it’s going to be extremely difficult to arrive home and shower them with love and affection.

When I was a kid, I thought I was awesome! As in, the greatest kid on the planet. Worse, I wasn’t afraid to let others know. Often, my awesome thoughts meant I would put others down, including friends. My parents, in their wisdom, thought this might become a problem down the line and came up with a solution. Every time they heard me say something inappropriate (”Why do I have to play with him, he sucks at football”) my parents would look at me and say, “Attitude check.” This let me know that even when I wasn’t conscious of my thoughts and words, they were coming out and others were being affected.

If I received multiple “attitude checks” in a day or week, I would be grounded, which meant I wouldn’t get to play at all, including football with my friends whom I thought weren’t very good at it. It didn’t take long before I began thinking about my words before saying them. I wonder why, as adults, we seem to have lost this filter.

Being in the marriage industry I get a lot of reaction when I tell people what I do. The reactions are either really positive or jokingly negative. I understand that there are many times when jokes are appropriate and funny, but I can also recognize when those words have become someone’s actions. Research has shown repeatedly that it’s not fights or disagreements in relationships that matter, it’s the manner in which we engage—the words we use and how we use them. Even using the pronoun “we” instead of “you” when discussing problems in marriage is an indicator of less marital happiness, according to a 2006 study, “Pronouns in Marital Interaction” by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and the University of North Carolina—Chapel Hill.

So where do we go from here? We could start a cultural revolution saying, “attitude check” every time someone projects their dissatisfied marriage on the entire institution. A more subtle approach, however, would be to lead by example. Let us all be mindful of our own thoughts and words; these will soon become our actions and carry over into who we are.

How many of us say negative things simply because that’s what we hear around us and find it more comfortable? We may not know how to make positive statements about our marriage.

I was recently in a conversation with someone where they said, “That’s what happens when you get married.” (It was said with negative connotation). I replied, “That’s not how my marriage is. We’re really happy.” I try to take the opportunity to turn their negative thoughts and words into positive ones. In the kindest way possible, I let them know they need a marriage “attitude check.”

Aerial Photo of the Deepwater Oil Spill

By Guest Blogger Steve Cooper of Hitched Media

When the Deepwater Horizon oil rig exploded on April 20th, it was a sad occasion where the immediate casualties were evident. What wasn’t clear at the time was a leak about one mile below the surface that would last much longer and cause much greater overall damage than the initial explosion. In marriages and relationships, we often focus on the explosions—the fights that raise our emotions and voices. What we need to look for, however, are the leaks below the surface.

Like the oil that is spreading and sticking to the Gulf Coast (and perhaps beyond), marriage leaks can permeate all facets of your relationship and gum up efforts to move forward. And while there were massive oversight and maintenance failures that contributed to the devastating events taking place in the Gulf Coast—and your marriage can learn a lesson there as well—let’s talk about the leak during and after the explosion.

Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman believes that some level of conflict in marriage is actually good and will help “weed out” the problems that can become issues down the road. So let’s dispel the notion that happy couples don’t have arguments and conflict—hopefully not regularly, though. What’s important is that you address your issues and the manner in which you respond. In fact, research has shown that what you fight about doesn’t really even matter.

I think it’s safe to say that BP and all other parties have not responded to the leak with the proper skills and solutions to prevent widespread damage. Moving forward, this event may perhaps be the catalyst that divorces the United States from the oil dependency we are currently married to. In marriage, while some equate men and women from two completely different planets, our problems are not as difficult to solve as trying to plug a gushing spill in freezing water a mile below the sea level. Couples need to learn how to cap the leak without causing further damage.

Dr. Scott Haltzman, author and clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University, wrote an article for Hitched a while back outlining a few rules to follow when capping an argument. Haltzman says couples should avoid starting arguments with finger pointing and instead describe how the issue you’re concerned about is affecting you. He also says couples should avoid getting defensive when your spouse points out a problem. Remember, you’re on the same team and if you don’t understand what their issue is, continue to ask questions until you have a better grasp of their point of contention. Continuing on that theme, don’t fight to be right for the sake of being right. Dr. Haltzman says you need to see the big picture, and if the matter in question is not that important to you, why unnecessarily boost aggravation levels? Lastly—and perhaps most importantly—you need to respect your partner. “Feeling respected is critical in relationships; give your spouse the respect you would want for yourself,” writes Dr. Haltzman. “Be willing to come back after harsh words and patch things up. The old adage: ‘Don’t go to bed mad,’ had been passed down to you for a reason.”

These simple words of advice almost seem too simple. But they work. Putting a box over a leaking pipe or executing a “top kill” maneuver to plug an oil leak with mud, on the other hand, while seeming simple is a feat of prodigious engineering. While being married may sometimes feel like you’re from two different planets, thankfully our problems don’t require rocket science to solve them.

By Guest Blogger Steve Cooper

Have you ever taken a “marriage vacation?” Which is to say, a vacation with just you and your spouse—no kids—where the purpose is to reconnect, rejuvenate and enjoy each other’s company. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I had never heard of it.

You might be thinking, “Aren’t all vacations a dose of good medicine for your marriage?” The short answer is, maybe. The problem with your typical vacation, often, is that you’re likely distracted by making sure the kids behave, you’re focused on a group itinerary, and so on. Moreover, the intentions behind the escape are often to get away from work and the daily grind, not to find that spark in your marriage.

A few weeks back, Dr. Michelle Gannon, a psychologist specializing in relationships and women’s issues, brought this idea to my attention. She told me a story about how her husband wanted to take her away many years ago without their young children on a marriage vacation. At first she was adamantly opposed to the idea and even consulted her friends who also rejected the idea. She soon changed her mind, though, and has made it an annual tradition every year since.

The impetus behind the marriage vacation came from Gannon’s husband, also a psychologist, who felt the attention of the couple had been focused lopsidedly on their young children. It’s understandable that good parents would want to put great emphasis on their kids, however it’s too often that children begin to suck up all the attention and couples begin to drift apart.

“We have to take care of ourselves and take care of our relationships and that is also being a good parent,” said Gannon. “It really is a good thing for your children too, to see that Mom and Dad have a marriage that’s worthy of spending a vacation together.”

Even after Gannon described to me their marriage vacation, I was still uncertain about its difference from a second honeymoon. I asked Gannon this, who now incorporates the teachings of marriage vacations in her Marriage Prep 101 workshops where she makes a strong distinction between the two.

“When I think of my honeymoon, it was really exotic; and if I think about a second honeymoon that feels like a lot of effort to make that happen,” said Gannon. A marriage vacation, conversely, doesn’t need the tropical thrills and leis. Gannon said a marriage vacation to her is more of a necessity, a tool to sharpen your marital health. She now includes them to her schedule like date nights.

Gannon said the idea is to take a break from reality. Gannon and her husband have done everything from zip lining to attending the theater; while some of the couples Gannon works with have done things like wine tasting and bike rides.

To really reconnect and benefit, Gannon recommends a marriage vacation last at minimum two days to serve its purpose. If money is an issue, Gannon knows couples who have rented a hotel room in their same town or turned their home into a vacation spot when the kids are away for the weekend.

It’s encouraging that many are already taking marriage vacations, but just aren’t calling them by that name. The next step is to make them a part of everyone’s schedule for marital health, as Gannon recommends. For couples whom still aren’t convinced or worry their children might not understand, Gannon shared the following story.

A few years after she and her husband had been taking their marriage vacations, they asked their children if they knew why Mommy and Daddy took their regular Fall trips without them. Their youngest son replied, “Because it is good for your marriage.”

By Guest Blogger Steve Cooper of Hitched Media

Two days before Sam Bradford was made the number one pick in this year’s NFL draft, the league gave a $1 million gift to the Center for the Study of Traumatic Encephalopathy at Boston University School of Medicine. This money is to support the research of long-term effects of repetitive brain trauma. Why? There’s an increasing body of evidence that when it comes to degenerative brain diseases, it’s not just the highlight reel knockouts that are showing long-term effects, but also the small concussive impacts that take place repeatedly throughout each game and practice. So what does this have to do with marriage?

There’s a growing body of evidence that the small hits over time to your relationship can have a degenerative effect as well. Furthermore, mounting research is showing that tiny gestures can also help a marriage reap great rewards.

Recommended reading: '5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great'

Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a Michigan-based research professor and marriage- and-family therapist, spent more than 22 years charting the love lives of 373 married couples, the longest-running study of marriage conducted in North America. The conclusion of her research is that it’s not the marquee items like sexual incompatibility or communication problems that deliver the knockout blow to marriage, it’s the day-to-day disappointments of what one spouse expects and what the other delivers. In her new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, Dr. Orbuch gives advice on eliminating the small “concussions” and instead replacing them with gestures of affirmation and attention.

Unlike football, we love our “opponent,” which makes the effort that much more rewarding. Heck, we get a ring to start the game. For any championship team that has a ring, they’ll tell you maintaining that level of excellence is even harder than reaching the pinnacle. To translate that into marriage, we also need to maintain a level of commitment equal or greater than the one we spent to get our rings.

This means avoiding the metaphorical hits in marriage. Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman observed 700 newlywed couples for 15 minutes each. At the end of his study, he was able to predict which couples would divorce with 94 percent accuracy based on the number of positive to negative interactions between the husband and wife. Dr. Gottman concluded that for every one negative exchange, a couple would need five positive gestures to offset that single negative.

You can imagine how challenging marriage is when the negatives begin to stack up. How long before we get punch drunk and decide it’s time to retire or change teams? High profile pros like Bradford have a lot support around them with a heaping pile of positive feedback and encouragement. Unfortunately, not all marriages are given that same level of support. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

In professional football they’re working to make the game safer by changing the rules to limit the number of head-to-head blows. In marriage there is no rulebook everyone follows. That doesn’t mean, though, that we can’t all make changes to lessen the blows that can negatively effect our marriage. As Dr. Orbuch and Dr. Gottman show in their research, it doesn’t take a big hit to crush a marriage, small thumps can be just as game ending. To protect our own top draft picks, we need to defend each other’s blind side from the hits (big and especially small) we never see coming.

By Guest Blogger: Steve Cooper of Hitched Media

Remember when you couldn’t wait for date night? For too many, unfortunately, that question conjures up thoughts of courting, not a fun night out epitomizing married life. Fortunately, Steve Carell and Tina Fey reminded us this past weekend of how exciting going out on a date can be in their new comedy, Date Night

On Friday night, my wife rushed home from work and we took off for the local movie theater. All week long my wife and I discussed the upcoming movie night out—that’s part of the fun, the anticipation of having something planned. We arrived at the theater and took our seats among the many older couples, a smattering of younger couples and a few groups of middle-aged women. For the next hour and twenty-eight minutes Phil (Carell) and Claire (Fey) Foster went from passengers in their marriage to active partners working to bring back the vigor—and survive their night in Manhattan.

'Date Night' gets two thumbs up from Steve.

Among the many laughs—and there are many—one of the things I appreciated most about the Fosters was that they had carved time out of their busy and tired schedules to reconnect on regular date nights. Where the Fosters failed was in letting their date nights become as routine, predictable and humdrum as the rest of their life. You could see the love and playfulness of the characters, but the effort to break out of their monotonous routine to create new experiences didn’t happen until their close friends confided that they were getting divorced. That’s when Phil decided he was going to take his wife to a fancy seafood restaurant in the city, and Claire seized the moment to dress up for the occasion.

For other married couples, the lesson here is not that you need to woo your spouse with a fancy night on the town, but that you should continue courting them and find new and exciting activities to do together.

My wife and I plan a secret date night for each other once a month. One month I plan to take her out for a surprise date and the next month she reciprocates. These aren’t always grand events, having ranged from laser tag and live fights to an outdoor movie and walk along a local lake. To make sure these dates are a regular priority, we build them into our monthly budget and have also established a few rules to follow: we have to stay within our designated budget, we can’t repeat dates (i.e., if we do a movie and dinner one month we can’t repeat the same events the following month), and the dates should be something we both will enjoy. These date nights would be counter-productive if one of us dreaded what the secret outing might be.

For the Fosters, like so many other couples, they begin to really work at their marriage when they feel it might be slipping away. I hope that couples come out of the movie laughing as much as my wife and I did, but also recognizing that marriage needs to be nurtured and cared for in order for it to grow. Every couple is different and should find things that work for them. The great thing is that if tending to your relationship is an active priority, not every night out has to involve car chases to awaken your passion for each other.

After the movie my wife and I walked past the local shops talking about the film and recapping our day when my wife began to feel ill. She told me that a few co-workers were out sick and was afraid she might be coming down with the same thing. It was unfortunate that our night out was cut short, but I definitely didn’t want her to get sick. We went home and then I briefly left again. When I returned I brought her some requested orange juice and surprised her with flowers. I, like the Fosters, experienced that not all date nights turn out as planned, but that’s part of the excitement