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Putting the “Fest” Back in “Infestation”: How to Avoid Bed Bugs on Your Wedding Night

[disclaimer] today’s guest post from brian leahy of the groom says may leave you feeling disturbed, sick to your stomach and itchy. the editor of this blog claims no responsibility for the words you are about to read. proceed with caution.

vintage bed bugs board game

Real bed bugs: not as fun as the board game

My wife and I returned from our recent trip to New York with a familiar itching sensation, which is infinitely better than a burning sensation but still not a good sign. The red spots on our legs confirmed that we had encountered some bed bugs at one of the two fine lodging establishments where we had bunked during our vacation.

Holy crap, I thought. What if we’d had a run-in with these nocturnal blood-suckers during our destination wedding? Or, even worse, during our honeymoon? That there is a classic mood killer. Parasites really have no place in the bedroom … though “tapeworm” does make a great safe word in the sack.

So how do you prevent this truly unfortunate scenario? Lucky for you, groom, I’ve spelled out the necessary steps below. Get on this to-do list so you can get your freak on uninterrupted.

1. Strip. The only way to detect bed bugs in your hotel room is to strip that bed. So put the “hot” back in “hotel mattress inspection” and integrate it into your foreplay routine. There’s nothing sexier than peeling back stained sheets and soiled comforters and running your fingers up and down the seams of the mattress. If you’re into the rough stuff, ask the front desk for a screwdriver and remove that headboard. Get under that mattress. Get all up in those springs. After all this pre-coital activity, I guarantee you’ll have trouble walking tomorrow.

2. Dry clean your merkin. If a merkin is imperative to your wedding night enjoyment, make sure you use protection. Keep it in a Ziploc bag prior to use. If you’re using a new hairpiece, take advantage of that complimentary hotel laundry service. Like mom always said, “Pubic lice ain’t nice.”

3. Make it a threesome. A hotel that cares about its guests will gladly hire an exterminator in the case of an infestation. [in a thick Russian accent:] “Hello. Did someone call for service? I am also plumber.” Please keep in mind that the hotel concierge and janitorial staff are not paid to watch.

4. Pull out the Vaseline. Some pretty unreliable studies have shown that Vaseline is a bed bug deterrent. Let this be your excuse to grab the petroleum jelly out of your overnight bag and administer a thick coat to anything and everything in the room. Even less respectable studies show that whipped cream is just as effective.

5. Don’t book the Motor Inn, for chrissake. If you’re looking for a high-class experience, you’re not going to get it at $69 a night. Do yourself (and your bride) a favor: upgrade your wedding night and honeymoon hotel experience to ensure that you won’t have any unwanted souvenirs in the lining of your suitcase. Spending an extra $50 a night is probably the best preventative measure you can take. That and the merkin thing. I really do think that’s worthwhile.

the groom says

Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter and Google+.

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3 Responses to “Putting the “Fest” Back in “Infestation”: How to Avoid Bed Bugs on Your Wedding Night”

  1. Shaun David Says:

    Good advice, It’s your wedding night and that means go all out. Spend the extra money for that upgrade. It’s a one in a lifetime experience. You get what you pay for.

  2. Robert London Says:

    Not so sure any of the advice is sound, but I think you would not notice the bite’s on your honeymoon night

  3. Brian Says:

    Having written this article, I too would question the soundness of the advice. Particularly #s 1-4. Good call.

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