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Why She’d Rather Marry a Roomba

woman touching roomba

The Roomba… batterized for her pleasure.

As soon as you got engaged, you immediately thought to yourself, “I win!” And win you did, champ. You managed to beat out all those other guys. All of the men who secretly (or not so secretly) doted on your woman had officially missed their chance. Go you.

But in the haze of your engagement high, you completely ignored the possibility that she could still find comfort in the arms of a home appliance. Panini presses, espresso makers, the Magic Bullet — these machines that we interact with on a daily basis don’t share our principles. As far as they’re concerned, ring or no ring, the woman of the house is up for grabs. And that Roomba’s been getting a bit handsy.

Rather than hosting an impulsive yard sale, maybe take this opportunity to take some clues from the competition. What does that damn Roomba have that you don’t?

He works independently.

The Roomba needs no to-do list. She’ll be in the office, and he’ll be working the kitchen. She’ll be running an errand, and he’ll be spot cleaning that trouble area beneath the bathroom sink. You don’t have that kind of initiative. You need to be told which shoes need picking up; which clothes need laundering; and which dishes most urgently need washing. Take a clue from your low-riding adversary and start brushing your teeth before she asks you to do so.

He expresses his feelings.

You’re worse than an infant. This is one of those things women talk about in private with other women. You get in these weird moods and have these illogical reactions and she’s supposed to — what? Read your mind? Feed, rock, burp and change you until you’re satisfied? Instead, take a hint from the Roomba and adopt some troubleshooting indicators. The Roomba beeps and blinks and pulses and even speaks in a soothing, feminine voice. When’s the last time you spoke in a soothing, feminine voice?

He has replaceable parts.

You’re still wearing t-shirts from high school.

She can turn him off.

The Roomba can be powered down. He can be scheduled and docked and charged. And if she ever leaves him on for too long, he dies. It’s empowerment at its finest. You, on the other hand, do not come with an OFF switch. God knows she’s looked for it. You’re constantly going, constantly moving, constantly ON. Even in sleep mode, you’re still going … still breathing heavily, still snoring uncontrollably, still mumbling incoherently about a large dog that stole your change. So aside from testing out those Breathe Right strips that she’s been bugging you about, try to give her a few minutes of uninterrupted peace every once in a while. And find some closure with that big dog, for chrissake.

He comes with a lifetime guarantee.

The Roomba’s guarantee came with purchase in a crisp plastic sleeve. Your guarantee was scribbled on the back of a hotel cocktail napkin hours after the rehearsal dinner, almost legible despite all of the shot glass smudges. He vowed to satisfy for eternity; you vowed to not pass gas in public. His oath came with a gold seal; yours rhymed (occasionally). Just remember that a guarantee is only as good as the man that it came with … and while you may not come with a seal, you plan to listen and communicate and change and age to perfection. Yeah. Take that, stupid robot.


the groom says

Brian Leahy is founder of The Groom Says — a safe haven for grooms who need a hand with wedding planning and brides who need a hand with their grooms. Check out the blog for some laughs and inspiration, and be sure to follow The Groom Says on Twitter and Google+.

Do you take initiative in your relationship? What are some areas where you could improve yourself? Open up and share with us in the comments section below.

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One Response to “Why She’d Rather Marry a Roomba”

  1. Darlene Says:

    I’ve never laughed so hard in my life!! Maybe that’s because I HAVE a Roomba!! HAAAA!!! Great post guys.

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