Getting Engaged in College: A Recipe for Disaster
Today our good friend Brad Wellen from The Campus Socialite shares his viewpoints on the pitfalls of engagements between college students. If you’re not familiar with the site, The Campus Socialite is the leading voice for all things college and has amassed a loyal following of thousands of students and alumni nationwide.
Ahh, to be young and wild and free, just like that adorable Canadian Bryan Adams sang in his hit single “Heaven” off 1984 album Reckless. College is all about, well, youth, recklessness, and freedom. Damn, Adams must have been some sort of sorcerer because that dude nailed my campus experience in a song that debuted one year before I was even born. But I digress… college was such an unbelievable experience because I had full independence in every area of my life and couldn’t have been happier with this type of autonomy. Now, this is not to say that I didn’t have some responsibilities (i.e. making sure I got to my first scheduled class of the day at 2pm, going to the gym 5 days a week to maintain my sexy, and polishing off at least 6 cans of Bud Light each night to help the homeless men and women of the community get back on their feet 5 cents at a time), but I did have more than enough time to get my rocks off in the university setting. When I think of one word to describe the antithesis of the rowdy college lifestyle, I keep coming back to “commitment.” Sure, students are committed to maintaining a passing GPA and not drinking yourself into complete oblivion, but other than that you really can let yourself go. So, if you’re anything like I was at school, you wouldn’t even dream of getting engaged while still at college – it’s a death wish against youthful exuberance. A healthy marriage is all well and good when you’re older, but let me show you that you’ve got an awful lot of living to do before you make the promise to take a walk down the aisle before you walk for your diploma.
As much as I love our generation, it’s time for a reality check – face it, we tend to bite off more than we can chew. At some point in every kid’s formative years, they will think they are invincible and can conquer the world. It is at this dangerous time that suspect decisions are made; these choices can range from something as harmless as a particularly outrageous faux hawk haircut to something as life altering as driving drunk or, brace yourself, getting married before you graduate college.
Divorce Cake
If there is one thing that teen romantic comedies have taught us, it is that love is transient and young kids fall in and out of love about as quickly as I walked out of Major League III: Back to the Minors (and I didn’t even have a ride home at that age). If you think I am just a pessimist, then I’m afraid I’m gonna have to burst your bubble with some research based statistics on college-aged engagements:
• Half of teen marriages end in divorce within 15 years
• More than one-third of marriages for those that wed soon after age 20 end in divorce.
Although many college students may think they know everything there is to know about their world, few reach their true intellectual maturity before the age of 25. So, even if everything seems in place and set for the future, just understand that your age alone can be reason enough to declare you too inexperienced to enter into the sacred bonds of matrimony. There is no shortage of external forces working against undergrads that marry as they have to deal with commitment concerns, major financial hurdles, and potential parenting responsibilities. These issues are overwhelming for even the most prepared adults; you can only imagine how heavy they weigh on kids who should be worried about midterms and finals and not mortgages and family planning.
Aside from the likelihood of a college engagement leading to a marriage that ends in divorce, there is the undeniable truth that it will cut short your opportunity to properly transition from childhood into adulthood. When you need to focus your attention toward ensuring that your marriage lasts and your future is secure, you will find it far more difficult to find the time and money needed for higher education, world travel, and advancing your career. Imagine how much it would suck for a young athlete or musician to have to cut their pursuit of a dream short because they couldn’t balance the demands of raising a family and maintaining a marriage with their lifelong ambition.
I think it is totally acceptable to meet your future husband or wife while away at school, but I cannot in all good conscience advise any students to get engaged prior to having their entire house in order. Make sure you have your diploma, a steady income, and most importantly, the unwavering confidence that you are ready to spend the rest of your life with the person you marry before you even think of saying “I do.” Feel free to chime in with your own opinions on college engagement, but I think by now you know where I stand. Live it up now at school, there is plenty of time to be an adult later.
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Did you get engaged while in college? Are you considering it? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below!
Tags: Engagement Ideas, Is She the One?
July 1st, 2010 at 6:00 am
[...] sang in his hit single “Heaven” off 1984 album Reckless. College is all about, well, youth, recklessness, and freedom. Damn, Adams must have been some sort of sorcerer because that dude nailed my campus experience in a [...]
July 2nd, 2010 at 12:48 pm
couldn’t you argue that divorce rates change with the times? i mean, back in pioneer days didn’t couples marry at around 16 and 17? and couldn’t you also argue that the only reason divorce is happening more often these days is because it’s now WAY more socially acceptable to just cut the cord and run rather than attempt to work an issue out?
i agree certain young people shouldn’t get married before they’re completely ready, but i don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting engaged in college and then marrying senior year or, more sensibly, after college before or during grad school or building your career. this is coming from a girl whose mother was engaged in college to my dad who already had a career (she got married after graduation of course). Also, my friend married before senior year of college and did the whole long distance thing while her husband built up his career, and I myself am currently engaged at 22 (both me & the fellow only just graduated but we’re waiting til 2011 to wed) and i dont think being married to him will wreck my grad school experience or ruin the possibilities of having good career afterward (presumably he thinks the same, otherwise . . . would he have proposed? O.O)
personally i think sometimes having somebody to back you, a special partner, can give you confidence while you build your career, and if you feel like that special somebody is gonna be there for you and you are mature enough to be there for them just out of college why not give marriage a try?
the way things are going, even if you get divorced you’ll probably wind up with your own story in People Magazine and a reality-show deal, so it’s a win-win situation lol ;P
July 11th, 2010 at 10:53 pm
Mark Twain said there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
If you collect statistics about marriage and divorce, even if they’re compiled from an addendum of distinguished sources such as the “National Center for Health Statistics” or “Bride’s Magazine”, they clearly contradict one another. For example “Bride’s Magazine” says the average age of marriage is 29 for men and 27 for women. Other statistics say it’s 27 for men, 25 for women. The National Center for Health Statistics state that “50% of all marriages in which the bride is 20 or older end in divorce.” That rate seems a bit higher than your “statistic” that 1/3 marriages for those who wed soon after age 20 end in divorce. In fact, that suggests that the divorce rater is HIGHER for individuals who marry several years after 20 rather than “soon after” 20. Of course, I don’t know which statistics are more representative of the American trend, and clearly, neither do the statisticians.
Blindly touting statistics is one thing. Using the argument that marriage should be postponed until “intellectual maturity” is reached is an entirely other thing. First of all, marriage “experts” or counselors who have had many years of experience working with married and divorced people, emphasize that it is emotional maturity that is the most important thing. Emotional maturity is the willingness to compromise, to define love in “adult terms”, to sacrifice, to be happy with one another because each appreciates the other for who he or she is…
For many people the prefrontal cortex is the last to develop, sometimes not nearing completion until 25. The prefrontal cortex is indeed the executive center for the brain: it regulates decision-making, impulsiveness, judging, and seems to command much of the human personality. If marriage is so much about compromise and flexibility and learning to grow together (not battle it out until the concession tally marks are even on both sides), it is the perfect partner for the developing and maturing mind.
The real problem is when a couple enters a marriage without discussing important and practical points and without flexibility and patience. In fact, it is completely wrong to say that a couple who have proven themselves to be in a mature, stable, and understanding relationship suffused with love and friendship is “too young” to be engaged or married. You may be too young. I would say that you are definitely too young since your priorities are clearly and entirely aligned with yourself. It doesn’t do at all to pass judgment on college-aged couples who have rightfully determined that they are capable of getting engaged and meeting the eventual financial, emotional, and career-wise challenges of being married one day.
And what the heck do you mean by saying that marriage cuts your opportunity to transition from childhood into adulthood? Isn’t that what adolescence is for? In fact, the American adolescence has been extended so far into the 20′s it is appalling. Seems like most people get a college diploma and then move into their parents’ basements or use their dependent status to maintain an apartment with their parents’ financial support. If you weren’t using middle school–you probably would have been upset if someone called you a “child” if you were 12 or 13–high school and college to bridge childhood and adulthood, then you are absolutely right. You are still, at age 22, a child. You have no place in a marriage. Get a job, find someone who deserves you and who you deserve, and ONLY after you’ve spent the rest of your 20′s as an “adolescent” or emerging adult can you get married. Not everyone squandered their years of emotional and intellectual maturing. Some people actually become adults at 18. Some become adults at 21. Some don’t become adults until 30. Some never even become adults. I can’t believe you just derided the nation’s college students as being “children.”
I am 20 years old; I have a wonderful boyfriend of two years; and we have no intention of becoming engaged for at least another year and certainly not being married until we graduate from our master’s and bachelor’s programs. If we were to get married now, I’m fairly confident that it would be a wonderful and productive lifetime marriage, but out of respect for our parents’ wishes and for the clear disdain society has for young committed couples, we’re “living in sin” to use an old-fashioned phrase.
February 21st, 2011 at 10:17 am
I completely agree with the above comment. They seem to be dead on. I am 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for three years, we came to college a couple and are now both sophomores. While I refuse to get married until after college I would have no problem getting engaged in the next year or so. We talk about marriage all the time and he gave me a promise ring on our high school graduating day. I love him more than anything and why should I let the fear of divorce scare me away. Today’s society is so ridiculous about this that its not even funny. Some people treat marriages as if they are simply disposable and that is not the case at all. That is why the divorce rate has reached the high of 50% of marriages divorcing (I am get this from what I consider a credible source, this is the type of thing I study, relationships and marriage and such). People do not seem to understand the concept and reality of divorce and marriage, however I do know that divorce is the best thing for a lot of marriages. I, however, refuse to be in my relationship, ready for marriage, but hold back and not be happy just because I am scared that it may one day end in divorce.
Another thing to consider is that normal people do not go into their marriage thinking that they will get divorced. This is what I spend 20 some hours a week study about, I know that the statistics say that my boyfriend and I will not make it but really? Who knows? No one. Thats who. No body can tell us that just because we have been together since 16 that if we get married at 21 it will only last ten year or whatever. I do not see how you have the right to tell people what they can or should do. We are adults, not children as you suggest. I think that we can make our own decisions and you should just keep your opinion to yourself. Because that’s all it is, opinion. You have no real evidence that every engaged college couple reading this will end up divorced.
October 29th, 2011 at 9:08 am
Interesting, so according to you those who marry soon after after twenty have a higher success rate that the overall population. The overall population has over a 50% chance of getting divorced, and those who marry at 20-21 have only a 30-40% chance! Alright so sounds like it can work out well for many people.
December 3rd, 2011 at 2:41 pm
I love how college is always associated with skipping class, partying, and wasting your parent’s money. You are clearly one of those idiots who are out on the town at 3am, failing half your classes, and are up to your neck (or parent’s neck) in debt. I noticed most of your comments are being made by females but each one has a valid/credible point. Clearly, you did not spend enough time in class learning to use credible sources. While it is true that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, there is still another half who are making it work. I have been dating my best friend since I was 15 years old and now that I am 21 and a junior in college, I can acknowledge that our relationship is reaching the point of the next step. Going away to college is about independence but also responsibility. If your biggest responsibility is scheduling an afternoon class that allows you to recover from your hangover, then I feel sorry for you. More than likely, you’re going to be ‘that guy’ who doesn’t finish college, gets a girl pregnant, marries her out of pity, then gets divorced a couple of years later. You and your friends are the reason marriage end the way they do. No one wants to grow up and take responsibility. You are lazy, inconsiderate, reckless, and unwilling to move past your glory days.
December 5th, 2011 at 10:17 am
It depends on marutiry level and why the couple is doing it (for love and commitment). Age has nothing to do with it as long as you are both ready. College is an acceptable age to get engage but waiting until after college to get married is a good idea as well. I have been with my boyfriend for a short time (2 months) and were engaged and very happy. I’m 19 and he is 21, yes we are young but we will be a having a 2 – 3 year engagement and we know it is right for us at this point in our lives! Whenever people feel ready and happy, and if thats during college then so be it
December 23rd, 2011 at 1:35 am
I am a 19 year old guy, about to turn 20, and my girlfriend of 2 years and I are both sophomores in college. We have known for a year or so that we want to get married after college, and have been making plans for that. Living on campus together in such close proximity really allows you to get to know a person so much better than any other dating relationship after college. We see each other multiple times a day, and help each other deal with the stresses of classes and homework, family issues, social problems, and jump starting our careers. And through it all, we have gotten to know each other so well to the point that she told me that she thought I knew her better than her parents do at this point. We are making plans to get engaged next year and have a long engagement, waiting until after college to actually get married. For us, the purpose of dating has always been to find the one you are supposed to marry. We feel that purpose is accomplished, and it would be silly to wait any longer just because we fear statistics. College is the time when people change the most, and who could be more perfect to marry that someone who has seen you every day at your best and your worst and gotten to grow with you through all of it?
February 12th, 2012 at 7:55 pm
I think economics is the primary reason marrying young is so much harder than before. Back in the day, you could have a one income househild with a high school degree and still manage to raise a family. Now you have to have a two income household and a college degree minimum before even thinking about buying a home and raising a family. I’ve was with my boyfriend for five years before we even got engaged. We waited until we had both finished college, had steady jobs and bought a condo together. I can’t imagine being married or engaged when I was a freshman and was eating ramen every night. As unromatic as it sounds, marriage love, stability, and for people to want the same things in order to grow together. What Iwanted to do with my life at 19 is completely different than what I want to do and am doing now. I’m glad we waited.